Posted on December 7, 2013 at 9:48 pm

Terminal Illness

EVAN
Archie, I have major news.

ARCHIE
They’re making ”Spice Girl Musical?”

EVAN
No.  Well, yes.  But no.

I have a plan.
I have a plan
So you and Kendra can go out on Friday night!

ARCHIE
Oh my God!

EVAN
I need your help, though, so stay calm.
You need to go talk to my Mom,
And it’ll all come true
Because…

No one says “no” to a boy with a terminal illness.
Take it from me, it’s a sure guarantee of success.
Listen, I’m not making fun of your terminal illness,
But you hold the secret to getting my mom to say “yes.”
So talk to my mom, and get her to buy
The tickets we need to obtain.
Brett gets his movie, I get the credit,
And you get your date, so who would complain?
Except for you, because you’re dying, but
No one says no to a boy with a terminal illness!
Who could refuse when you shuffle your shoes
and say “Please!”?
Use all the tricks that you learned in your cradle.
You don’t need to lay it on thick with a ladle,
‘Cause no one says “no” to a kid with a fatal disease!

ARCHIE
I can do this!

EVAN
I know you can.

EVAN rings the doorbell and hides, his mother answers, and ARCHIE goes to work.  While ARCHIE talks, EVAN paces nervously.  Occasionally, we hear a phrase in ARCHIE’S conversation pop through.

EVAN
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la…

ARCHIE
Mrs. Goldman, I hate to bother you but I was strolling through the neighborhood…..

EVAN
La la la la la la la la la la la la la…

ARCHIE
…which wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t my birthday on Friday, but the insurance…

EVAN
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la…

ARCHIE
…I can pay you for the tickets if I don’t buy my medicine next month…

EVAN
La la la la la la la la la la la la la!

ARCHIE
…and you know, I’ve always felt a kinship with the Jewish people.

EVAN
Out of the blue, a thought comes to you
Like sun coming out from the rain.

ARCHIE walks away from Evan’s mother, his look giving nothing away.

And after the stress, my mother says…

ARCHIE (ecstatic) 
Yes!

EVAN
Yes!

EVAN & ARCHIE
We’re all set for Friday, so who could complain?

ARCHIE
Except for you, because you’re Jewish and you always complain.

EVAN
It’s true, but

EVAN & ARCHIE
No one says no to a boy with a terminal illness!
Ask for a day at the mall or a trip to Belize!
Nothing’s too hard and no quest unendurable
Long as you’re sure you’re completely incurable!
No one says no to a boy
With a fatal disease!

BRETT enters followed by the KIDS.  We are on the playground behind the school.

BRETT
All Hail The Brain!

KIDS
All Hail the Brain!

BRETT
I never thought he’d take the bait!
This is great!
Evan Goldman!

KIDS
Evan Goldman!
All Hail the Brain!

EVAN
I did what no one else could do!
Tell me, who
Could complain?

BRETT
All Hail the Brain!

KIDS
All Hail the Brain!

EVAN 
All Hail the Brain!

ALL
All Hail the Brain!