Posted on December 7, 2013 at 10:20 pm

Any Minute

BRETT
Someone got his eyelids torn off.
And I’m sitting here,
And I should be doing something.

(The KIDS scream – something gross just happened on screen.)

That guy got an axe in his throat
And she’s sitting there,
And I don’t know why I’m waiting,
But oh, any minute,
I’ll be getting closer.
I’ll be where I want to be…

(He goes to kiss KENDRA but is abruptly interrupted by the KIDS shrieking.)

Any minute.

KENDRA, entirely in a different world, is equally petrified.

KENDRA
Someone got his face chopped in half,
And he’s sitting there,
And maybe he doesn’t want me.

(A yelp from the KIDS.)

Maybe it was something I said.
Or maybe my breath.

(Something disgusting on screen – all the kids say “Ew!”)

Why did I eat those pork rinds?
 ‘Cause oh, any minute
He could turn and kiss me.
And we’ll be where we ought to be…
Any minute…

MALCOLM and EDDIE lean over to see how far Brett has gotten. 

MALCOLM (accidentally interrupting BRETT’s attempt to kiss Kendra) 
Brett…. Pssst – How’s it going?

EDDIE (slapping Malcolm away) 
Back off, you can’t rush “the tongue.”

From the movie, the sound of a flamethrower and a scream.  EVERYONE winces. 

BRETT (and now again paralyzed with fear) 
She just set his penis on fire.

KENDRA
This is weird.

BRETT
What do I do?

KENDRA
Am I fat?

BRETT
This is so not romantic.

EVAN looks back at PATRICE, then back to the screen.

PATRICE (to herself, looking forlornly at the back of EVAN’s head)
And oh, any minute,
He’ll do something for me.
Did he just invite me
So he could ignore me?
He won’t even know I’m gone…

BRETT rises, trying to work up the nerve.  KENDRA rises as well.  They are obscuring the view of the KIDS behind them, who begin throwing popcorn and yelling.

BRETT
Any minute!

KENDRA
Any minute…

BRETT
Any moment…

KENDRA
Any moment…

BRETT
If I want it…

KENDRA
If I want it…

BOTH
If I close my eyes!

BRETT
Any minute…

KENDRA
Any minute…

BRETT
Any moment…

KENDRA
Any moment…

BOTH
Any time!

As this is all going on, ARCHIE comes clumping down the aisle, wearing his ridiculous outfit, holding a bouquet of flowers.  As BRETT and KENDRA sing “Any time!,” ARCHIE accidentally (or not) crushes BRETT’s foot with his crutch on the way to his seat.

She turns her attention immediately back to the screen, waiting for BRETT to make his move.

BRETT (finally determined)
No more time to sit on my butt.
Time to move in.
Time to get started.

ARCHIE (to himself) 
This is it, Archie.

BRETT
After all, tonight is the Tongue.
And after the Tongue,
There will be groping!

ARCHIE (preparing himself) 
Okay.

BRETT & ARCHIE
And so, watch out, Kendra!
Now, watch out, women!
Now!  Now!  Now!

ALL IN SLOW MOTION – ARCHIE squeezes his face, closes his eyes, and goes in to kiss KENDRA. BRETT, at the same time, turns his head, sticks out his tongue, and goes in for the kiss. EVAN sees, and as he mouths ‘Noooooo!’ reaches to pull KENDRA back. LUCY reaches in at the exact same time and also drags KENDRA out of the way of BRETT’S tongue. ARCHIE and BRETT’S mouths meet. RICHIE snaps a photo. FLASH. Back to real time.