Jason Robert Brown

Posted on February 6, 2014 at 8:38 pm

 Being A Geek

RABBI (entering in a ghostly haze)
Koh-amar ha’El adoshem…

EVAN
Oh, perfect!

RABBI (chanting) 
What now, Evan?

EVAN
I can fix this!

RABBI (chanting)
But how, Evan?

EVAN
I’m not gonna be an outcast! I’m gonna be friends with every single one of those guys and that’s the end of the story!

RABBI (chanting) 
Why is it so important to be popular?

EVAN
What are you, kidding?

RABBI (chanting) 
What would be so bad if you weren’t popular?

EVAN
Oh, Rabbi, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dimly, we can see a whole chorus of RABBIS in the mist.

RABBI (chanting)
Tell me how it is.

(HE gestures to the other RABBIS)

Tell us how it feels.

EVAN (sings) 
Being a geek is the loneliest thing in the world.
I gotta tell ya, Rabbi,
When you’re a geek, it’s the loneliest thing in the world.
You’re always wondering what everybody’s laughing about,
And staring in at the world like you got locked out.
Nothing is worse.
It’s a crime, it’s a curse,
It’s the loneliest thing in the world.
You wouldn’t understand, Rabbi.

RABBI
Oh, I know something about it.  I’m a rabbi in Indiana.

EVAN
Being a geek is the saddest event ever known.
I know what I’m talkin’ about.
And being a geek doesn’t go once you’re gone or you’re grown.

RABBIS (momentarily stirring)
Tell me about it, brother.

EVAN
The girls all roll their eyes and walk away when you get close.
You’ve got a fatal disease no one can diagnose.
It’s contagious, it’s viral,
It’s a downward spiral,
The loneliest thing in the world.

But when you’re cool,
When you’re cool, you’ve always got a crowd.
You can break the rules and you’re allowed.
You can sway the gang in any direction –
You’ve got a high-speed connection
When you’re cool.
You’re the epitome of charm and grace.

When you want to get to second base,
If you’re cool, you know you’ve got a shot,
But oh! if you’re not,
It’s a waste, it’s a drag,
It’s “suck” in a bag,
It’s the loneliest thing in the world.

The RABBIS become EVAN’s backup singers, boogieing along with him.

RABBIS
Geek, geek,
Geek, geek,
Geek, geek, Whoa-oh.

EVAN
Oh, yeah.
It’s like a cold wind blowing, yeah.
If you like the wrong movies,
If you like the wrong bands,
If you take the wrong classes,
Don’t speak!

RABBIS
You’re a geek!

EVAN
If it’s Saturday night
And you don’t have any plans,
‘Cause you spent the past week
Learning Greek –

RABBIS
You’re a geek!

EVAN
If you’re very well-acquainted
With the locker room toilet
‘Cause your head’s been shoved inside it,
Just squeak:

RABBIS
“I’m a geek!”

EVAN
If you start to get excited
‘Cause you’re gonna throw a party,
But the people you invited
All shriek –

RABBIS
Geek!

EVAN
“You freak!”

RABBIS
Geek!

EVAN
You’re not unique!

RABBIS
Geek!

EVAN
It’s just the life of the geek!
But when you’re cool,
You can rally when the blues attack.
Ev’ry problem just rolls off your back.
You can handle ev’ry slip and slide
Without breaking your stride!
When you’re cool,
You don’t care that people disappear.
You don’t care that your Dad’s not here.
You don’t care that your life’s been uprooted and bent
Without your consent!

A geek’s afraid it’s never gonna be okay,
But the cool kid knows it doesn’t matter anyway.
It’s the difference between
Being fine at thirteen
And the loneliest thing…
I said, it’s the loneliest thing…
I know it’s the loneliest thing
In the world.

The BACKUP RABBIS dance offstage, and the RABBI turns to EVAN and offers a benediction:

RABBI
Keep trying, Evan.
You can do it, Evan.
Be a man, Evan.