Posted on December 7, 2013 at 8:35 pm

The Lamest Place In The World

PATRICE
Down the road, there’s a Dairy Queen.
Up the block, there’s a WalMart.
There’s a place you can accessorize your pets.
A school, a tree, a couple of churches,
And no matter how hard anybody searches,
That’s about as thrilling as this dumb-ass village gets.
It’s the lamest place in the world,
But it just got a little bit better,
So don’t disappear.
It’s the lamest place in the world,
But I’m pretty sure
It’s not as lame as it was before
Now that you’re here.

EVAN
Patrice, that can’t be everything. There’s gotta be more to do around here.

PATRICE
The inbreeding takes up a lot of our time.

EVAN
And when that’s done…?

PATRICE
Forty miles to the nearest river,
Sixty miles to the airport,
When we plan our escape, that’s where we’re gonna have to be.
It’s a shame, it’s a sham, it’s a terrible pity
You got dragged away from New York City,
It’s major suck for you, but it’s amazing luck for me!

It’s the lamest place in the world,
But it just got a little bit better,
I’m happy to say:
It’s the lamest place in the world –

And you’re completely exotic,
Intellectual, neurotic,
You would never have a shot ex-
Cept you found the perfect guide!

And though I don’t really know you,
I can hardly wait to show you
Every fake and freak, every fool and clown,
Since the Chippewa settled this stupid town,
Let ‘em laugh! They won’t keep me down
With you by my side!

It just got a little bit better!
Amazing but true!
Yes, the lamest place in the world
Has lots of flaws
But maybe it’ll be fine because
It brought me to you!