Posted on December 7, 2013 at 10:51 pm

Bad Bad News

EDDIE
If I live to be twenty, I’ll never understand women!

(He sings)

What is a man
When he gives up his soul
For a lick
From a chick
Who completely takes control?

MALCOLM
Tell the tale.

EDDIE
How does a man who can see behind his head
Turn as blind as a bat with no eyes?

MALCOLM
What is a man?
When he turns on his friends?
We’ve been tossed
Now we’re lost,
Just a platter of Burnt ends.

EDDIE
I feel you.

MALCOLM
How do we make
Our hero wide awake
So that he
Can re-
Alize?

MALCOLM & EDDIE
That girl is bad bad news!  Bad news!
Nothing but tears,
Nothing but trouble,
Nothing but stress!
Yes, she is bad bad news!  Bad news!

EDDIE
Bad news!

MALCOLM & EDDIE
Our buddy Brett
Is gonna regret
That he ever said yes!
The girl may be hot
But all that he’s got
Is bad bad news.

EDDIE
What do you do when your friend’s life’s at stake?

MALCOLM
Man, he’s flipped.

SIMON
No, he’s whipped
Like the cream on a cake.

EDDIE
What can we say?

MALCOLM
He won’t talk.

SIMON
He won’t play.

EDDIE, MALCOLM and SIMON
How could one tongue destroy a whole team?

RICHIE enters behind the other boys.

EDDIE, MALCOLM, SIMON and RICHIE
That girl is bad bad news!  Bad news!

SIMON
Oh she’s very bad news.

RICHIE
She’s like a snake!

EDDIE
She’s like a cockroach!

SIMON
She’s like a cow!

(THEY look at him, confused.)

An evil cow.

ALL
Wow, she is bad bad news!  Bad news!

MALCOLM
Très bad!

ALL
We’ve been abandoned,
Left in the sand and
Who are we now?
He fell for a slut
With a fabulous butt
But she’s bad bad news.

The BOYS stalk the stage trying to think of a solution.  Abruptly, EDDIE stops.

EDDIE
Perhaps there’s a way we can “dispose” of her.

More stalking.  This time, MALCOLM stops.

MALCOLM
Maybe she can “meet with an accident”?

Now all the BOYS ponder the possibilities, colliding in the center of the stage.

SIMON
We have got to make clear that she’s not welcome here,
The most horrible way we can find.

MALCOLM
We could go train a pit bull to chew on her flesh.

EDDIE
I don’t think they attack their own kind.

RICHIE
We could torture her mother and chop up her dog.

SIMON
To be honest, I don’t think she’d mind!

EDDIE
I could rip off her pocketbook.  Look, it’s a start.

MALCOLM
Drive a stake through her heart, if she just had a heart.

ALL
The longer it goes, the worse it’ll get!
So somebody’s gotta tell Brett!

RICHIE
YEAH!

ALL
That girl is bad, bad news!  Bad news!
She took our pal.
She took our leader
And led him astray!
Hey! Hey!
She’s totally bad bad news!  Bad news!

EDDIE (riffing)
Bad news!

MALCOLM (attempting to out-riff EDDIE)
Bad news!

ALL
Listen up, Brett!
You’re not ruined yet!
We’ll show you the way!
Throw her under the bus
And come back to us!

MALCOLM
Even though she has excellent shoes…

The BOYS turn and look at MALCOLM suspiciously.  HE smiles sheepishly.

ALL
She’s bad, bad, bad, bad,
bad, bad, bad, bad
News!
Bad news!