Jason Robert Brown

Posted on December 7, 2013 at 10:09 pm

Getting Ready

ARCHIE
Only got one shot –
Better get it right.
I’m getting ready.
Gotta look real hot
When it’s Friday night.
I’m getting ready!

I’m getting ready today.
I’m getting ready to say
I’m not that weird geek you think I must be.
I’m getting ready to move.
I’m getting ready to prove
Kendra just needs a sex god like me.

EVAN reappears, now in his bedroom.

EVAN (to audience)
On Friday night, I’ll be the hometown hero.

ARCHIE
Gotta cut my nails…

HE bites his nails to get them down.

EVAN
If this goes right, then I’ll be free and clear.

ARCHIE
Gotta shave my beard…

He furiously attempts to pluck the single, essentially invisible, hair growing from his chin.

EVAN
And if it goes as planned,
Patrice will understand
Some prices are worth paying when your dreams come true…

ARCHIE
I’m getting ready for her!
I’m getting ready, yes, sir!
Ready for passion, delight and romance!

ARCHIE & EVAN
I’m getting ready to go!
I’m getting ready, and knowing
I may only get this one chance…

BRETT, in the park across from the school, explains his plans to MALCOLM and EDDIE.

BRETT
There, in the dark of the Appleton Cinema,
Free from the public’s prying eyes,
There, with the girl in the chair beside me,
I can reveal my Big Surprise!
There, while the rest of the crowd’s immersed in
All of the blood vessels onscreen burstin’,
Kendra will get to be the first in
Line to realize:
Here comes the Tongue!

EDDIE and MALCOLM
Here it comes, here it comes!

BRETT
Here comes the Tongue!

EDDIE and MALCOLM
Here it comes, here it comes!

BRETT
Here comes the

BRETT, EDDIE and MALCOLM
Tolubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalubalung!

They ride off. KENDRA and LUCY are in Kendra’s bedroom.

KENDRA
Okay, just go through this with me one more time.

(She sings)

If he does it and I let him…

LUCY
You’re a slut.

KENDRA
Right.
And if he wants to, but I stop him…

LUCY
You’re a tease.

KENDRA
God.
And if I let him and I like it…

LUCY
You’re a skank.

KENDRA
Wow.

LUCY
But he could also get his tongue stuck down your throat,
Or try to kiss so hard, he chips one of your teeth,
Or there’s a million other ways that it could all go wrong.
It doesn’t matter if the urge to kiss him back is strong,
You’ve got to hold that boy at bay,
Step back from the edge and say:
“I’m a good girl, I don’t do that.
I’m a nice girl, put that away.
I’m a good girl, keep your hands off.”
If you tell him that, then you’ll be okay.

KENDRA
I think you’re overreacting, Lucy.  It’s just a tongue.

LUCY
When you got that solo in choir, it’s ‘cause I told you what
to sing.
When you got the lead in the fall school play, it’s ‘cause I coached you all last spring.
When you got to be the head of the cheerleading squad, it’s ‘cause I taught you everything.
Think of all the things I should have had you got instead
Because you did just what I said!

(threateningly)

“You’re a good girl!”

KENDRA (obediently)
“I’m a good girl!”

LUCY
“You don’t do that!”

KENDRA
But he’s soooo cute.

LUCY
“You’re a good girl!”

KENDRA
Listen, Lucy…

LUCY
Don’t question me!

KENDRA
But I could be his girlfriend!

LUCY
You’re a good girl!

KENDRA (with resignation)
“I’m a good girl…”

LUCY
You don’t do that!

KENDRA (simultaneously with LUCY)
“I don’t do that!”

EVAN enters, practicing his haftorah. Both bedrooms disappear, LUCY and KENDRA remain. We also see PATRICE getting ready.  BRETT, MALCOLM and EDDIE reappear.

Venotayhem…

EVAN

I’m getting ready to do
Something that makes them
Accept me at last!

ARCHIE, EVAN, PATRICE, LUCY, KENDRA, MALCOLM & EDDIE
I’m getting ready, all right!
Nothing can stop me tonight!

BRETT
Tonibalbalubalubalubalubalubalubaluba!

ALL (except ARCHIE)
I’m getting ready!
Ready!
Ready!

ARCHIE appears, dressed to the nines in some over-the-top crazy outfit.

ARCHIE
Check me out!

ALL
Now!